The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
