I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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