You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
