Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
