A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
