You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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