i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
