just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
