Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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