If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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