Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
