VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
