He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
