I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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