I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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