Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
