So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
