No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
