Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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