Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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