Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
