Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
