you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
