I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
