you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
