She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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