I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
