At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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