New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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