Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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