I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
