At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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