dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
