i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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