haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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