How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
