The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
