Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
