You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
His nipple licking is glorious
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