Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
