I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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