R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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