I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
