I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can Purell be used as lube?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
