I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
