It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
