Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
