i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Randomize
