Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
