please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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